The World's Greatest Golfer Wets His Woods!

2009-12-02T15:59:00.007-05:00

News Flash For Today's America On The Go

The Greatest Golfer Of Our Time -- A Polygamist!

Responds To A Turnader Of Scrutiny

Dateline: Orlando in the Sunshine State. The sun is not shining on the links today as the finest caliber in the great Scottish sport cemented his legacy further by soiling his reputation in a way that parallels losing the Olympic Gold for the Stars and Stripes to Uncle Joe and the Ruskies. Timothy "The Tiger" Woods, also known as The Boy With The Howitzer Shoulder-Arm or Old Gold Scooter, has admitted to a motorized carriage mishap outside of his estate topped off with a dessert of infidelity cobbler.

Above: Woods, displaying perfect form that does not translate to marital life.
Note that he leads with his left foot, akin to the way that he lead on America with his chicanery.

Constables state that Timmy Woods was not in his usual candor nor pompous spirits. Subsequently, the Fuzz state that spirits were not involved as Woods quite soberly requested their assistance from what was believed to be an accidental automobile crash outside of his home at two hours past the clock of the morning's midnight hour. Despite the fact that Woods was not spiffed on hooch, Officer Johnny Gumshoe knew that all was not well and right as rain and put forth his greatest effort to crack open Pandora's Box, or Woods' oak chest at the foot of his proverbial bed. It happens to be that it was a proverbial bed that Woods literally shared with another woman who was not his wedded wife.

Above: Constables in the Orlando wetlands inspect T. Woods' incidental crash.

To Timothy "The Tiger" Woods' dismay the dirty laundry has become public knowledge. His doublet coat of shame to be hung out to dry alongside his pantaloons of infidelity, his cravat of promiscuous desires, and his waistcoat of public scorn. Apropos the ensuing investigatory event brought us on the level, Woods dished up the skinny. Under the cooker, he admitted to courting another woman: Jaimee Grubbs.

Above: Jaimee Grubbs in all her adulterer's glory.
Woods claimed he wanted a slice of her pie, only to find out she is a hooker!
That was a golf joke.

Does this spell bupkus for this amazing golfer's career? Will he lose his endorsements with Dapper Dan, Arm & Hammer, and various sarsaparilla distribution moguls? "No!" claims organized sporting times enthusiast J. Jeremy D. Penningtonworth III Esquire.

"Timmy "The Tiger" Woods has made a temporary lapse in judgement, an error upon his own revelation. Who among us can claim to be perfect in their own lifestyle? Do you scrutinize the actions of an American Hero in the same fashion that you scrutinize yourself? Who in today's age has not lapsed in removing his hat before a lady, or by presenting oneself in his shirtsleeves upon exiting his home to obtain The Moderne Gazette despite the painful fact that one's neighbors may take notice.

Timmy Woods will recoup his losses from this campaign. It is best we simply look the other way and allow our America to have its few heroes. In this moderne age it is all we can hope to have such figures in our midst."

Must our standards rest and our laurels take a back seat to celebrity worship? What actions may come next; dare I predict future infidelity in the White House itself? In what way may Timmy Woods' actions affect the moral erosion of today's moderne youth? Already there are women that do not carry parasols, men who dwell within the confines of opium dens of the Orient.

Above: Not building a railroad to make America better.

The public may be headed down a slippery slope with American heroes like Timmy Woods revealing themselves not to be supermen. Our best and brightest must remain vigilant at all points in order to remain the best and the brightest. For the future of our people, Johnny Q Public Figure must maintain an air of incorruptibility or we may face a socio-commie-nazi downfall that will have all the worst in store for us.